if only i can hold you again

i've been so busy writing up the entry for the ns journey that i have not blogged for a week man. last weekend was pretty ok.. had match on both days. we lost to csc 5-1 and then beat ora 8-0 on sunday. the csc game was crap, i hate those csc players.. fucking mats. kevin told everyone the wrong timing.. it was supposed to be 1500 game but he told us 1530. i called him at 1445, and he had to quickly inform the players quickly, like mobilisation sia. we started off with 9 men, holding them well for 25min then tobey scored an own goal, it was unlucky but i hoped that would at least shut his gab. i was playing center half with danker, wasn't very tiring since we just played in our own half most of the time.. there were no forwards. we played smart hockey, compacting the middle and forcing them to hit lousy balls to the forwards. too bad, we conceded another 2 goals within 30sec.. and we totally lost the game.

the ora game was a very easy one as they were without their main man, there was really anyone that could control their team. it was a far cry from the narrow 1-0 win we had on the first leg. kong scored first from a short corner.. then daniel and jeremy made it 3-0. we were at least making use of our chances. when i went in at the first half.. i missed a couple of good chances. second half was ok.. we scored 2 and i was involved in both... constructing one and scoring another.

went for pil interview on fri. i was late for 3 min man.. i was rushing like mad, everything wasn't going well. first, i was supposed to be on time there at 1045.. but i needed to pee urgently and the station's toilet was under renovation. so i went to international plaza, and i couldn't find theirs too cos the whole bloody building is renovating. so i had to walk all the way to the other side of tanjong pagar mrt to the cecil st exit. my directions was to walk opposite the traffic direction to pil building but when i did i ended up at anson road, lucky i used to work here so i know it was wrong. so i had to call them for directions but it wasn't clear, it sounds so cheem. in the end i did find it after much hassle and thanks to my fast march experience i wasn't very late but i was sweating like mad in my office attire. thankfully, i found a toilet there. i went into the hr dept, a young lady named erica greeted me, wow she's really hot.. well a lil thin but pretty. she was the one who gave me directions.. man if only i knew that was her. when i saw her, it was like instant attraction. if i do get that job, i would really love to date her. but the sad thing is, she wasn't the one who interviewed me. daphne came in and asked me a whole lot of questions.. basically knowing me inside out. gosh this was worse than ocean tankers.. at least she brought the relevant dept heads to see me too. then came linda, the asst trade manager.. gosh what a fat bitch. she kept putting me down and stuff.. telling me that i'm very active and the job is 100% deskbound and gonna be boring for me. i'm like duh.. of cos i know it.. then what you expect all office workers to be boring is it? after that then she say, of cos we are not saying we want a totally boring person for the job, we are also active. fuck man then you talk so much cock to me for what. and i thought her crap was over.. she called the trade manager over and he asked me all the same questions again.. fucking cheebye.. why don't you guys come together.. and that linda also never tell him that she ask already. that linda like very serious like that then suddenly when william come she cock so much. somemore they can laugh among themselves, i mean i'm the interviewee? i just heard from leonard that that boon jun is working at pil too. i pray and hope we're not in the same department.. i avoided him in camp and hoped so much we won't work together.. leave this to fate huh.

later at night, i went to indoor stadium to watch the international muay thai championships. some of the platoon were there to support ah biao. he was the better fighter, unfortunately the judges kayu didn't let him win. hard luck. ps was there too.. he bought a powerboat!! hahaa damn funny. i asked him if he took his ppcdl.. this was how the conversation gone..
me: so u took ur ppcdl oredi?
ps: yah i taking now.. got 1 theory 2 prac..i pass the theory already. but i tell u ah drive boat different from car, normal drive can but parking damn jialat one. that time i try to park the boat ah.. i go go go then langar the side!
me,mac,sh: hahahhaa langar!!
we had supper at bedok 85 courtesy to kg and sy's vehicles. this would probably the last time we meet for a long time.

went out with her today again. we planned to go chinese garden to see the lantern festival thing. after planning it i kind of had second thoughts cos we shouldn't be meeting so often. she bought inez birthday present.. the creative zen stone. we went to outback steakhouse to try the thunder from downunder.. ok only lah. it was brownie with vanilla ice cream. took a train to tiong bahru to catch evan almighty, at last just before it finishes. the cinema was cold.. i really felt like holding her hand, but i didn't. we went to clarke quay to walk walk and see the lantern festival celebrations. it was raining so we walked around central. as we walked i thought, maybe she would relive her feelings for me. but i straight away dismissed that thought, i remembered when she said she wanted someone she cannot live without, someone stable.. both of which i don't suit at all. i felt so lousy about myself.. i asked myself why the hell am i even out with her.. why am i still so close? i don't even stand a chance..once she has someone else all this will change. as the song goes.. love just ain't enough. i have to move on.. but how can i.. my heart hurts. the woman i'm walking side by side with, we used to hold hands.. i would kiss her whenever i feel like it, but now i can just kiss my sorry ass. if it was before, we would be so happy having such a romantic night out. it was a cold night, and i would hold her. i miss her.. i really do. she put her head on my shoulder in the train. i wanted to hold her hand to keep her warm, i didn't do it. i just didn't have the balls to. i have no answer to why she put her head on my shoulder, didn't bother to seek for it. i told myself probably i should hug her when i see her to the gate, she just said bye and left, her eyes told me she just wanna sleep. it just wasn't right, we are really just friends. oh well, even if i had a stable career already and she comes back to me.. should i even give it a go? this isn't how love works.. it's unconditional. i love her but she loved me. she changed.. i didn't. if there's anything harder to understand other than rocket science, it's human relationships.