working life

just started my working life last monday, this is my first full time job. i have not been blogging for the past 1 week plus basically because i was just too tired and lazy to sit here and type grandmother story over here. at times i really want to go for a run after i come home but i just don't feel like it cos by the time i reach home is almost dinner time and i'm so hungry. tired as in not mentally tired but just feel lazy having being out the whole day since waking up at 7am and staring at the computer till my eyes feel tired.

i reported to work on monday, got a briefing from the HR department which is damn stupid then proceeded down to the liner division to meet my new colleagues. i must admit i was very nervous. it was ok cos around 80& of the colleagues are below 40 so they are quite young and most of them maximum early 30s. i mean right up to now, i must say there aren't any really hot girls but there are some quite sweet and decent type. haha what am i.. going to work or to see girls man. i think carey's pretty hot but i think she's almost 30. krystle is sweet but she has a bf.. kyuan shuan is sporty but abit big size! the problem is i think there is some sort of a communication barrier between me and them outside work cos these people are incorrigibly chinese speaking and we don't seem to have much topics to talk about.. i can't talk to them about work cos my service hasn't even started. i have lunch with melvin and his mgmt trainee friends most of the time but i can't really clique with them, probably due to the age difference and they don't even bother to get to know me. melvin is ok but i somehow feel i'm clinging to him and he feels obligated cos he's my "buddy".

back to work,i think the people over at pil are pretty nice and friendly though i'm starting to see the pattern of the office politics already. i used to play it quite well but i'm a changed person now.. i prefer to take the direct approach. i try to be sincere as much as i can hopefully people can see the good instead of the bad. william is a nice boss, i don't think he is a two headed snake. i've yet to see linda's character but i need her to teach me all the things about the trade. after entering, i realise i have quite a substantial amt of information at hand but it's not enough, it's just the surface and i really need to know my trade at the back of my hand. with no previous experience from everyone about the black sea, i have to be at the forefront of information to everyone else. the worst part is having to beg people to help you. it's really not ok when you think both of u are friends but when you need help they wouldn't want to help. take for example on tuesday my gryphon show broke so i needed to borrow a shoe to play. i asked cornelius to lend it to me but he turn me down straight.. i was fucking angry. i guess he knew it so he apologised to me, too late. he must have thought about it that's why he apologised so late, he could have just reasoned out with me immediately.

i feel the most happy this past 2 days having lunch w/o having to keep following melvin. yesterday went to celebrate krystle's birthday but that was cos i had no one to go with. i think she's really sweet but she's older than me. right now i feel like a sec 1 kid, everyone thinks i'm young and immature, i have to start growing up to show that i can do it. i enjoyed cos i was able to know more people in sean, yikai and weijye. though we didn't talk much but at least we know of each other's existence. today went with kenny, dongli and batchmates from the other class but we ended up only talking among ourselves. i really don't want to go so close to kenny phua but honestly there's no choice, he's the closest i know in pil. jamie is in acl and she's already an old bird there so she won't really bother about me. i must say she's looking really really hot now.. if she's single i don't know she'll be at the lips of how many men.

i called ying er last week and spoke to her online today. i realise as time passes by, i cannot bring myself to communicate with her anymore. she thinks she needs me cos she needs someone to listen to her whining, it's no difference of being made use of by emily. i realise some things really isn't worth pushing for. she has changed so much, i used to take care of her and teach her work when she has doubts and now just because she started work early she starts teaching me. i don't mind 2 way learning but she sounds authoritative. she has become more insensitive and proud. i don't know if this is true cos i don't know her anymore. this is the first time i actually spend time to know a person but within a few months i find out that i actually know nothing. i do know on the surface what she is like but deep down in her mind i'm at lost. she is a perfect example of a bird being able to fly when their wings grow. i didn't even feel like replying her cos her words did hurt me a little but at the end i was thinking why the fuck should i bother? we're now on 2 different platforms and i'm probably not good enough for her. her boss thinks highly of her and she has a wide network of friends.. i can definitely understand. honestly, the only way i think i can really push this burden aside is to totally break contact from her. i don't want to know what's going on with her life cos i know i'll just sit there and sulk about it.

i used to see us as a married couple with kids and going to the supermarket to buy groceries and cook dinner together.. and that was based on pure love and affection. towards the end, i see us quarreling about money and future because her mindset has changed and she's always been talking about money. right now, i don't even see a future..in fact i see us as strangers.