scc awards night

last night was the scc awards night, the last time i went was a few yrs ago when i just joined the club. i think i was still in div 3 back then. looking back, i've seen how much we've grown on and off the pitch and how we developed as a person.

i went for a run at 4pm, it was hot. normally i wouldn't have any difficulties completing the run. this time, i was breathing hard, i could feel my body getting heavier. i wonder if it was due to the heat or is it because of off season fitness. i was told to be at scc at 1830. i slacked and stoned after the rather tiring work out before going to msn and bathe. i was choosing what to wear for the formal occasion to look impressive but my hair wasn't at all impressive. i thought valarie would be there for this social event but i came out disappointed. by the time i left home it was around 6pm already, walking to the bus stop i was sweating already. i thought of taking a cab, the only reason that kept me against the idea was i know i will be taking it back home after the dinner. in the end, i didn't want to be late and reach scc looking like i just went to the sauna so i hailed a cab. when i reached there, there was not a single soul around. the agm was at 1730 and dinner 1900, shit man wtf was i told to go at 1830. i called jonathan and he hasn't even left his house. darn, so i just sat at the terrace smoking, waiting and deleting messages from my hp. haikal and jay joined me around 1900.

the crowd today wasn't very expecting, i could tell the distance between the ladies section and the men's. you could see the ladies on one side the and men on another. by changing coaches for the ladies and men, you can tell the we weren't as close as we used to be. i remember last time we would all mingle around cos we would see each other during trainings. some of them, we don't even know their names. honestly, in that case i feel the section should just be separated. they gave out awards for the team's best players. i thought if they were giving to the juniors i would probably stand a chance. i would be ok if they gave it to danker or dr kong, but they decided to choose ashwin, i was not happy at all. reason being, he didn't really made any impact for the team and he probably just played 5 games out of 13, which is less than half! if you're speaking about penetration i would think wee chin to be a better choice, at least he works harder and he scores. ashwin didn't even score and that's important as a forward. he didn't make any impact at our semis. i just disagree with that decision cos they think too highly of him. the worse thing is i have to cover his shit cos he wasn't around. i went to collect his award for him and still needed to make a speech, what the hell.

the best part of the evening was just drinking and catching up with everyone else. i did my fair bit of entertaining today, talking to joan, danker and felix. jay "introduced" me to felix, probably thinking i don't even know him. so felix asked me why i didn't apply for rs platou and all that.. i just didn't know how to answer him. the truth is i don't want to go in without being confident of my performance. i don't feel comfortable having a expat boss cos i just can't stand them anymore. i used to think they were liberal and more forgiving but they aren't. they are the most senseless and arrogant people around. not that i'm saying he is one.

then it was danker's turn. i'm really glad to have known him, he's like a second dad who's seen me grown up. i respect him because he pursues what he wants to and not get affected by what the society expects. well of course he faced the consequences but at least he lived a good part of his life doing stuff he likes to cos it's not that he cannot become a professional. i know with his talent and intellect he can achieve things that others can. he's optimistic and always trying to explore. and now even at 43, he's still taking his degree. it's not easy for a parent much less for a person in his 40s. coming from a man who has been through a whole lot in his life, it goes to show my decision of starting work was a right one and there will always be a time and place to take a degree later on. what's important is to believe in your capabilities and not be afraid of changes. i guess right now i shouldn't be thinking of keeping up with my peers anymore cos everyone has chosen different paths and it's almost impossible to keep up with everyone but to choose my own and grab the opportunity. his analysis of me was right, i'm a person who plans my journey carefully, not daring enough to try anything by the side. i guess that's why my relationship failed, cos i planned everything so well that the element of surprise was missing. anything that didn't go well will be deemed as failure. i wanted to please her so i was complied to plan a nice day out with her every week. at time, it's just good to live by the moment, that way you'll be happier. i'm still young and i've still 40 years to get by.

me, kandhiban, jonathan, max were sitting, drinking beer and chatting. one by one siew hua and jeanette came over to talk to us. sh needed a lighter so she came over, jean just needed a guy to dance with her. i like sh, i think she's different. there's this certain flair about her that attracts, i wouldn't think she's pretty but combined with this flair i think she's pretty hot. i've always found jeanette pretty but i feel she's pretty shallow. she says she'll date a guy who younger than her if he's cute and rich. fuck it, u mean his father is rich? i just hate it when women talk about money. i know women like men of caliber. there are men out there who isn't rich but are men of caliber simply because they choose a path that they believe in. i probably don't know her well. if she's going to bangkok maybe i think the conversation will continue.

we left scc around 2 plus to eat something at lau pa sat before heading back for the rugby world cup finals. i didn't find it very interesting cos the match was pretty one sided. it's always england trying to score but south africa defending ever so well. rugby is for fools, brute strength without using the brains. there was this snobbish england fan who looked at me like i owe him a living just because i blocked his view. i didn't mean to cos i didn't realise he was behind. in the end ananda kumar quarreled with him cos he's such a sore loser cos his team lost. i was so happy. just because ananda shouted "south africa win, england lose!" he wasn't happy. i mean wtf, scc is not in england and the final is sa and england so it doesn't mean the whole crowd must support england. all these white fuckers think so great about themselves, buzz off man.

lonely saturday

i never had problems with weekends when i was attached, without fail we will meet each other every week, most of the time just going to the same old places cos i'm probably too lazy to find anywhere new since i'm in camp and already dead tired every saturday with ndp rehearsals. at least before i ord i still could go out with my army friends, sometimes ask her out during the period where i'm still getting used to. now that my season is over, i finally feel the full effects of loneliness. i woke up in the morning without any plans. my parents have gone to genting, great relief cos there won't be anyone to nag at me.

i woke up in the morning thinking how the hell am i suppose to spend my day. i thought of bowling, to see if i still have what it takes to join the pil bowling tournie. reluctantly, i called sw, i think he must be damn shocked to see my phone call. i thought to myself when did i actually stop talking to him when we used to be good friends. i guess the fact is i did pick up the initaitive to call him shows that i do not hold any grudge against him anymore. ns has changed me, moulded me to be a more forgiving person. this is my side of the story but i wonder what the other party thinks. he suggested going to marina with wl and eugene. wl has a car and he definitely can fetch the both of them but what abt me, i surely will look stupid walking with a bowling ball from city hall to marina on a crowded saturday afternoon. honestly, i did feel very awkward talking to him again so i sms him to tell him i'm not going. faye wasn't free too cos she has training. i really didn't want to call her but i did not want to face her in a awkward manner in future. well at least i tried. i didn't want to show that i neglected everyone when i was attached and now that i'm single i start crawling back to them. i guess i just wanted to save face. my very last resort was to cordially invite my bro to bowl but he too didn't want.. actually i guessed it.

so i accepted the fact that the whole day i'll be all alone. after lunch, i spent the afternoon catching up with germaine.. she was still in pri 5 when we went to europe and now she's sec 2.. talking to me like a grown up. at 3 plus i decided to go to library.. the weather was pretty good so it was a good idea just catching some of the fresh air instead of staying at home. i thought being a public holiday it'll probably close at 5 or smtg but it didn't even open.. i should have checked.. a wasted trip down. since i was at bedok i might as well hang around for a little while before heading home. i went to the ntuc to get some air con, it reminded me of the days where ying er and i used to shop over here for my snacks to bring to camp over the week or shop for groceries for steamboat when we invited faye when my parents were overseas. those were such happy days, i could remember how she chose the prawn, picked the yong tau foo. that was the belle i knew who was just contented with what she had, just contented with me being around her to love her, and i was glad i had her support.

i wanted to borrow a dvd to watch just in case i get bored, anyway it's been a long time since i catch a movie. looking at the movies, they were all around 2-3 yrs back and i've watched most of them in the cinemas with her. i wanted to rent ocean's thirteen, but when i wanted to give my ic to register for the rent it wasnt in the pocket i always place it in. i even called gl to help me go to paradiz to see if the guy returned the ic to me yesterday. only when i was in the bus did i realise i misplaced it in the wrong pocket. seems like today i'm fated to be deprived of friends, books and dvd.

i went home, changed and decided to go for a jog. i haven been jogging since i started work, only playing hockey but it's different. i can feel my arms shrink and the strength no longer there. after a few mths of hockey i can feel my legs feel lighter when running, no longer need to drag myself. i ran at a slightly faster pace today. did some push ups and crunches before heading home, by the time it's already 7pm, how time flies. i heard faye was coming over to stay but she nva came. i wonder what she is up to, she tells my bro that she's coming but she nva inform me and she nva come also never say, somemore she sleep in my room.. aiyah whatever.. women.

i just spent the whole night watching tv.. no one to disturb me. slept at 2am.. my body aching but it feels good to have let off the endorphins and sweat out all the work stress. val, when can i see u again?

all recce rejects

it was friday yesterday, went to work in an upbeat mood knowing it'll be the last working day of the week, it has been a week busy compiling the market feedback for black sea, and sometimes needing to amend the style of the spreadsheet to linda's preference, i mean thats the prob when ppl don't want to tell you how they want things to be done. it's either u accept the way he/she does it or you verbally spill it out. anyway i don't know why i'm so tired today, she gave me a list of port pairs to create the freight rates into the system, the first few were all easy but when things start to get complicated i started making mistakes. i guess it was probably cos i was too tired and blur or i'm already thinking about after work activities. i was so afraid i needed to stay till 8pm or so to complete it cos i was really not in the mood anymore. when william say that it's not necessary to finish all and just give them a few to take as example i was so relieved, i didn't even bother completing my current port pair and left. i saw krystle still working so i decided i should go and talk to her, well i wouldn't say it's making a move cos i don't think she'll be interested, i just feel like getting to know her better, and she's actually studying the rmit degree i wanted to have now, what coincidence.

actually i wanted to go home to watch the 9pm show since it's the last 2 episodes but a part of me felt like going out to relax since it's a friday and i feel i should pamper myself after along weel in the office. so same as last week, i met my army friends guoli, siew hou and ziyang. i was supposed to go to guoli's cafe with sh but sh only finish work at 7 so i had about 1 hr to entertain myself. coincidentally, i met karen at bugis junction so we had dinner together with her birthday boy friend. i really can't stand it cos everyone around me seem to be speaking chinese and they somehow don't feel comfortable conversing in english. luckily for me, william and linda are ok with english. this is like the second time i celebrating a person's birthday without even knowing who the hell is he.. just like that time i went to zouk to celebrate that jojo's birthday, sometimes i feel very extra.. like why can't i find my own friends? i was too engrossed in my relationship when i was in ns that i forgotten all about social life except meeting apro gang once in a long while, and now she started to have a social life she finds out she doesn't need me.. it's at times like this you really have a good reason to blurt out a loud "what the fuck". at times i try to figure out whether the relationship was a mistake but after pondering for a short while i didn't bother to find the answer cos it's simply pointless. the girl i loved isn't who she used to be anymore. so i met up with gl and sh around 2100 at gl's cafe to try his coffee. a little bitter but better than nothing.. at least it's cheaper than starbucks, the seats are good and i don't have to fight for smoking tables.

when gl finished work we left for paradiz centre to play pool, while waiting for a table we played photo hunt, we actually got a free credit. every game is worth 2 credit, i guess the previous player didn't know that and played 1 only. i had to pick ziyang up from peace centre cos he didn't know where's paradiz. so suaku right.. smu student don't know where's paradiz when it's like 400m radius away from his campus. i think it's a great way to chill and catch up. with these army friends there's really nothing to hide cos they really know you inside out. well not really inside out, but they've seen the worse side of you so there's no problem talking about anything under the sun. ziyang broke up with his gf after ord, seldom hear that happen huh.. stating there was no time for each other, like in camp you have all the time in the world like that. i think he's probably stressed out with his studies that's why. i always thought they were very close and solid. i don't understand why these people give themselves so much pressure.. or is it the society forcing them to the corner? i remember he used to lend me his ears during ndp rehearsals when i just broke up with her, when i was wondering why the hell am i making such a big sacrifice for the sake of duty. come to think about it, it's better knowing her true colours sooner. i guess i'm not the only one having problems during the 5 weeks in roc. biao and dave teo also broke up with their gals during this period. if we can't even stand 5 weeks apart then what's the point of a relationship?

i wanted to meet her for a while on tuesday before i go for training. i called her and she said she was going to meet this guy called alvin from pil but i never seen him before and melvin don't know who is he. i finally met him yesterday when he was wearing the sma polo. the first thing that came into my mind when i saw him was.. why is she hanging out with these guys.. the way she says it thought they are like super happening kind of people, but what a disappointment it was, i don't see how much more happening they are than i am. he asked me if i knew ben, i told him i saw him before but dono him. at that moment i remembered that they are friends and she got introduced to him by ben. my temperature rose for a while when i realised it, these were the fuckers that she was hanging out with when i was away and going clubs with her making her do things she doesn't like. i didn't blew my top. he doesn't know i'm her ex ( i think) and he can't spoil our relationship if we really were that solid. she was just never ever sure about herself.

it's quite sad i'm always diverting my day's topic into this issue but i just can't help it. and now when i start thinking about it, i just don't have the mood to carry on typing.

working life

just started my working life last monday, this is my first full time job. i have not been blogging for the past 1 week plus basically because i was just too tired and lazy to sit here and type grandmother story over here. at times i really want to go for a run after i come home but i just don't feel like it cos by the time i reach home is almost dinner time and i'm so hungry. tired as in not mentally tired but just feel lazy having being out the whole day since waking up at 7am and staring at the computer till my eyes feel tired.

i reported to work on monday, got a briefing from the HR department which is damn stupid then proceeded down to the liner division to meet my new colleagues. i must admit i was very nervous. it was ok cos around 80& of the colleagues are below 40 so they are quite young and most of them maximum early 30s. i mean right up to now, i must say there aren't any really hot girls but there are some quite sweet and decent type. haha what am i.. going to work or to see girls man. i think carey's pretty hot but i think she's almost 30. krystle is sweet but she has a bf.. kyuan shuan is sporty but abit big size! the problem is i think there is some sort of a communication barrier between me and them outside work cos these people are incorrigibly chinese speaking and we don't seem to have much topics to talk about.. i can't talk to them about work cos my service hasn't even started. i have lunch with melvin and his mgmt trainee friends most of the time but i can't really clique with them, probably due to the age difference and they don't even bother to get to know me. melvin is ok but i somehow feel i'm clinging to him and he feels obligated cos he's my "buddy".

back to work,i think the people over at pil are pretty nice and friendly though i'm starting to see the pattern of the office politics already. i used to play it quite well but i'm a changed person now.. i prefer to take the direct approach. i try to be sincere as much as i can hopefully people can see the good instead of the bad. william is a nice boss, i don't think he is a two headed snake. i've yet to see linda's character but i need her to teach me all the things about the trade. after entering, i realise i have quite a substantial amt of information at hand but it's not enough, it's just the surface and i really need to know my trade at the back of my hand. with no previous experience from everyone about the black sea, i have to be at the forefront of information to everyone else. the worst part is having to beg people to help you. it's really not ok when you think both of u are friends but when you need help they wouldn't want to help. take for example on tuesday my gryphon show broke so i needed to borrow a shoe to play. i asked cornelius to lend it to me but he turn me down straight.. i was fucking angry. i guess he knew it so he apologised to me, too late. he must have thought about it that's why he apologised so late, he could have just reasoned out with me immediately.

i feel the most happy this past 2 days having lunch w/o having to keep following melvin. yesterday went to celebrate krystle's birthday but that was cos i had no one to go with. i think she's really sweet but she's older than me. right now i feel like a sec 1 kid, everyone thinks i'm young and immature, i have to start growing up to show that i can do it. i enjoyed cos i was able to know more people in sean, yikai and weijye. though we didn't talk much but at least we know of each other's existence. today went with kenny, dongli and batchmates from the other class but we ended up only talking among ourselves. i really don't want to go so close to kenny phua but honestly there's no choice, he's the closest i know in pil. jamie is in acl and she's already an old bird there so she won't really bother about me. i must say she's looking really really hot now.. if she's single i don't know she'll be at the lips of how many men.

i called ying er last week and spoke to her online today. i realise as time passes by, i cannot bring myself to communicate with her anymore. she thinks she needs me cos she needs someone to listen to her whining, it's no difference of being made use of by emily. i realise some things really isn't worth pushing for. she has changed so much, i used to take care of her and teach her work when she has doubts and now just because she started work early she starts teaching me. i don't mind 2 way learning but she sounds authoritative. she has become more insensitive and proud. i don't know if this is true cos i don't know her anymore. this is the first time i actually spend time to know a person but within a few months i find out that i actually know nothing. i do know on the surface what she is like but deep down in her mind i'm at lost. she is a perfect example of a bird being able to fly when their wings grow. i didn't even feel like replying her cos her words did hurt me a little but at the end i was thinking why the fuck should i bother? we're now on 2 different platforms and i'm probably not good enough for her. her boss thinks highly of her and she has a wide network of friends.. i can definitely understand. honestly, the only way i think i can really push this burden aside is to totally break contact from her. i don't want to know what's going on with her life cos i know i'll just sit there and sulk about it.

i used to see us as a married couple with kids and going to the supermarket to buy groceries and cook dinner together.. and that was based on pure love and affection. towards the end, i see us quarreling about money and future because her mindset has changed and she's always been talking about money. right now, i don't even see a future..in fact i see us as strangers.

scc 6s

i spent fri-sun totally busy and shagged out with hockey and entertainment, didn't really see my home at all, at least didn't have people to nag at me..haha. friday we had interport agst royal bangkok sports club, they were an easy team so we won 3-0. me, jonathan, ashwin just went there to warm up and get used to the pitch for the scc 6s on the weekend. we had drinks and dinner at night and made some friends along the way with the thai team.. even got to know LTC Bromwich. i couldn't join them at dxo cos i was in shorts and needed to rest for the next day, i'll be playing the whole day.

saturday- it was a great day, i finally have the privilege to play in the 6s this year, at last not a helper anymore. but i think i'm really there just to make up the numbers cos the seniors don't wanna play.. feel kinda sad too but my main concern was to get attention from val. i thought i could do smtg but i'm just a complete failure, i never had a chance to do it. i just couldn't find the chance to get close to her, and i didn't even had a good excuse to cos the tp ppl were always around her and i don't want to arouse suspicion until i'm confident about it. i was so disheartened when i didn't see her in the morning, i was so sure she would be there cos she is part of the committee. just when i thought i was wrong she appeared, i couldn't believe it but she didn't say hi to me but sean. how did they even get to know each other when i don't even know her. i was so happy when she asked me if i wanted ice cream but too bad i was in the middle of a game. however, when i went to buy it she was busy with some other stuff i didn't even get to see her face. damn! is it because fate isn't on my side? i sat far away from her during dinner, i thought all of them were going to zouk so i went along, with the reason that she'll be there and also cos i promised bromwich that i'll be there. sadly, she didn't go. i wasted my cash on zouk that i stayed for just 1.5hrs in. when i was in the bus i was still fantasizing about how we'll sit by the padang watching sunset..sigh. i thought sunday she'll turn up but again it was false hopes. this time i really won;t have a chance anymore unless she does turn up next sat to watch my semis. i really hope to have her support.