a changed man

sometimes i just hate life and how it makes us move on. looking at the xmas cards i received from the rmc-ers last year, i can't believe it's only been a year. throughout this 1 year, circumstances have changed so much. i have turned from a struggling officer worker cum student to a undergrad with a strong passion for statistics. it's been a whirlwind year, i see the friends that i have made in uni leave one by one. i guess i'm pushing too hard to continue blending in with the remaining few and their friends. that's what moving forward do to people sometimes. people like me stuck at where i am while my other friends just stop remembering me, sydney is slowly making me depressed. no doubt i have a gf with me but it's still very different hanging out with friends. sometimes i wish i could have graduated earlier and leave our relationship on a good note rather than continuingly drift away from them. God has healed my despair a few times but it seems more and more likely this friendship we started will end up with nothing. as we go back to our respective lives, we will look back and see that these are semester based friendships. it's like leading a double life, you can never replace people that u know back home, someone who understands your jokes and someone who talks like you.

gold coast has been such a torture for me. i don't mean that i went hanging out with nasty people. it's just that there's so much uncommon things we have.. it is through this that i have experienced cultural indifference. i was never gonna blend in. it is through this trip that i realised how much i drifted away from my dear friends heri and melissa. i thought i could spend more time with them before they graduate but i was more like a 'rider' in the trip. shouldn't have went.

this trip has made me miss jose, aina, iris, jae, jimmy, ady etc much more. i long so much that i can have that feeling of excitement and closeness with others other than joyce but now i know it'll never come back. first, i tried it during conception day. i told others how fun it's gonna be and blah blah, sat on the grass and i felt darn empty. it's not conception, not the drinks, not the hot girls, not the band that keeps u happy. it's a group of friends u love so much. i thought gold coast would be so much fun and memorable like we had in melbourne but it turned out to be a nightmare. i so much wanna apologise to them that i shouldn't have joined, they would have enjoyed themselves much more. i felt really sorry that i lost my temper at times, i just couldn't help it, there's just so much frustration in my heart.

i guess i finally understand how aina feels. like her, we're all alone without any other representatives from our country. at home, i'm always the one bullying, always having the upper hand. i never expected myself to be alone and be ignored the way i am now. its frustrating that this happen to you when you know it shouldn't. i believe many lone students studying abroad must have feel the same way many times but they just don't say. many singaporeans come back from australia more sociable, more of a party animal. for me, i turned out to be much aloof, upset by the fact that what people described about this country isn't what i am experiencing. what makes you think they really wanna know how you are when they say how are u? what makes you think they aren't saying you bloody asian get out of my country when they are smiling at u? do u think he really wants to talk to you or just wants to cut your queue? there's just so much issues with humility in that country which i really wanna get out of. i really regret that i didn't cherish those friends who left me as much as i suppose to. i could have spent more time with them when i can but i chose a good family guy. there's only myself to blame for all these.. it's not that i haven't anticipated it. i know that by having joyce with me, i could possibly lose my friends. i guess i didn't feel the pinch until this smacked me right in the face.

now that 1 year is gone, i really wonder on a scale of ten how much this group 9 friendship means to everyone right now. i guess i'm the only sucker thinking of this. why? because i'm still stuck in sydney.. the rest are either moving on with their lives at home or having their new friends in sydney. with 1 more semester left, i really believe i'll end up with no friends for graduation. i so wish i can do everything in spore so that my mates in sin can celebrate with me. the thought of having no one else attending my graduation except my family is just unacceptable. with another 1.5 years left to my wedding, would a single one even bother to make a trip down?

i'm just so thankful to have such a stable group of ns friends to still able to celebrate xmas eve with me. no doubt they are all single but i believe they will still the way they are. this whole wedding planning thing has led me to think so much about the past. while running through the guest list i will think of each and everyone how they impacted my life. it's just funny how if i didn't initiate a breakup, belle could very well be the one. reeling back to my hk visit, i truly believe what the fortune teller meant that i would have alot of problems if i marry early. it really makes you wonder how vulnerable a human being can be. we can never be able to see how an advice can affect us until a few years later when we get hit by different things. we're all part of God's plan, until we accept that we will continue to fight and struggle for the best each and everyday.

on the way home last night, i stopped by emily's house. don't why i will do that since it's virtually impossible between us. when you come to wedding you cannot miss out your growing up days. i dare to say that there isn't anything memorable about my teen years except emily. i was a wannabe trying to blend in with the indians. i ended up with no contact with a single one of them. the times i spent with emily will remain as the sweetest memory of my life and i hope it is that way for her too. back then, we never thought how hard society is gonna be, just love from each other. without her, i believe i wouldn't have gained so much confidence in myself. looking back i cannot understand how i was able to put up with her demands. if it happen now, we will be arguing everyday. it just boils down to me being such a softie last time. i used to blame God for losing her. like i said, we never know how much God loves us until we experience something better. i thank God that i don't have to end up marrying either emily or belle. with emily, i think i will end up hen pecked with no pride left in me. with belle, i guess i'll be struggling putting up with her princessy whining. let me tell u, deep down we hate each other but we just don't admit it. i don't understand why she needed to backstab me in front of her friends. i would have killed myself to find out before but now i just don't bother, i wish that she enjoys her life with that fella. we'll never agree that either party is mature enough to get married. i can guess what she'll start talking abt if she finds out but hey you moved on first and i'm so glad she did. how dumb i was to feel down for someone like her. man i was devastated, i thought i'll never ever find love. honestly, i feel that compatibility is most important in marriage and not love. love fuels jealousy, possessiveness and fantasy. it makes you feel disillusioned about how you should live your life. it makes you feel insecure each second you don't see her. this is why i never believe in love anymore.

a sad christmas message i know.. i wanna believe and experience all the good things that God has planned out for me :)

sick college life

things like this shouldn't be happening when i have a gf, but yes i start to have feelings for someone else. not that i don't feel anything for her but more of being lonely and not physically attached. now i know why long distance relationships are so hard. when u dont love each other much feelings will fade when u think u can have ur own fun. when u love each other a lot, u miss each other so much but the more u feel u need love but she won;t be there for u so u appreciate the people around u. either way it's a lose-lose situation. feelings are just like water in a jar that evaporates more and more with each passing day.

there are much feelings in me which i want her to hear but somehow when i try to express it nothing comes out of it. maybe it's me realising that she won't be attracted to me. though i wanna be close to her and want her to tell me her problems, somehow i feel she likes someone else and i'm just a pillow. it's weird that we see each other but i miss her when she isn't around. i'm just getting paranoid day by day that she likes that bloody blonde attention seeker. i hope it isn't true, of all guys just not him. but then again who am i to control which guy she chooses to like. i was really happy she came knocking on my door last night and having a nice conversation with her, although it was a bare 30min before we had noodles with others! i didnt too much abt it, i have too many encounter with saggis and their spontaneousness. very often they come close to u but that doesnt mean ure any special. so yah keep an open mind. i really wanna hear her problems and what shez thinking of but i guess i will be the last person she thinks of.

college life is starting to be childish and political for me. i dono if this happened in poly though but fake ppl who pretend not to know u and then shake ur hand the next minute. that night with cecilia was a perfect example not why underage shouldnt be drinking but why u shldnt invite ur crush to a party like this. it was pretty awkward to be caught in a situation like this, thats why it's so impt for a guy to be able to hold his liquor well and to be in control of himself, so he knows whats happening around him. honestly, i don't think rendy shld say sorry on her behalf, feel sorry for me or blame anyone for it. pardon me but i feel its childish. firstly, i didn't suffer, in fact it was good to have someone holding u. no one is responsible for her drunken saga except she herslf. and he shld clearly understand that this happens when ppl drink, what happen to him in melbourne when he started holding jae's hand? did anyone say anything abt it? he likes her so i can't blame him for feeling that way but this is the way of life, u win some u lose some. and now u continue teasing her with that night so she will feel shy towards me? look, it's absolute childish and dumb tactic. but well, 18 year olds are naive so.. i just watch and shake my head when i see the way they behave. conclusion is, if he is able to get her to be his gf i think it would be a tremendous acheivement. from what i see it's just playing, like how 5 yr olds play with each other. not even flirting. now its obvious he likes her she can do anything she wants to him but most importantly i don''t think she is any serious with guys, and when she starts to know more people in uni, trust me she will have lotsa suitors so he might just end up hurt. but who cares, she's still good for a fuck if anyone has a chance to do that.

29 Aug

This past month of uni life has been nothing short of boredom. I can’t understand why people would say that uni life was the best of their life, is it because they compared to the routine working life or did they really had so much fun in uni? Well I can understand if they compare to working life. I too found poly life boring until i went to NS. My BMT mates and i kept complaining how nice it was if we were in poly, pretty girls to see and going to town on a weekday afternoon. And when i ORD and went to work, i found how awesome NS was, doing things you will never get to do in civilian life, shooting weapons, riding bike, peeing in the jungle, leaving ur shit trail on the entry point. Somehow when we are in an occupation we only think about the hard work but not what we reap through it, I guess this is human nature perhaps.
College life did not surprise me at all, guys trying hard all the time to get the girls’ attention, to be the hero and create a following with them. As always, Asian girls will grow crazy about the Caucasians. Having observed the way the Caucasian men communicate, I don’t find anything charming about them; therefore the conclusion is it all lies in the looks. You don’t have to be bloody good looking. All you need is blonde hair, English accent, any eye colour except black or brown. I don’t feel sucky or jealous about it cos i feel I am in a stage where i feel that it’s pointless trying so hard to please people, unless you’re out to get a good fuck. I don’t know why my morale has been so low ever since coming here. I guess this must be attributed to certain reasons:
- Knowing how bad service standard here is
- Being cheated by RMC on the hidden cost (call yourself a Christian college and be transparent about your cost, bitch)
- Internet and transport systems
- Being accepted into my course and found out i needed to do maths again! IDP should have known better and Macquarie should have told me earlier
- Not enough Singaporeans
- Being left out in conversations
Nothing here could actually beat Singapore, from the service to the technology. The only thing which i felt was excellent is the beer. The beer is so good I think I’ve become a Tooheys and Carlton addict. I have been studying from day to night every single day, most of the time doing maths. I probably spend 15 hours doing maths every week, just look at the amount of exercises I have done. What i really deserve is beer once a week which is what i look forward to. Last Saturday i had a good talk with Jose over some beer. Listening him talk about the girls, i kind of resign to my fate as a low profile citizen here.
Last Thursday, Lydia asked me out for lunch, i was like wow not too bad at least i am sort of like a friend to her now. I thought maybe she saw me as a friend after i left her class, and it’s better to realise that than never. I suggested going to Eastwood to have lunch cos they are good Chinese food there, i’m just sick of Macquarie. Somehow i felt that she wasn’t sincere in the appointment because we can spend few minutes just deciding where to meet. Scenario: I will end my class at E4B and she will end hers at Macquarie theatre, but she said it’s far and asked if i wanna meet her at the bus stop to eastwood, come on how far is the campus? At that moment my impression of her just became worst but i didn’t think too much about how weird she is. So we went eastwood, had our lunch. I paid the bill first, and hers was $8. She only had $20, so do I. I told her it’s ok you can always return it to me another day. What fuck sia she thought i wanna date her like that.. so she replied “No, i don’t think we will see each other again.” At that point, there was a lot of questions running through my head, why did she even ask me out at the first place? As we were approaching the train station, all the mystery fell into place. She told me actually her purpose of asking me out was to spread Christianity to me and she will still spread it even after what i said about cell groups. At that moment, i was so disappointed in her. Why? Cos i just got punked big time by her. Look, if u wanna spread Christianity, do you need to do it at lunch? Seriously she’s a young fuckhead. I wasted my time, i could have gone lunch with Rendy and Heri at Chatswood! I am usually 90% accurate in judging people but i was wrong about her, she’s no different from the average Christians selling their religion on the middle of the street. She just needs a customer to patronise her church so that they will grow, and not a friend or a classmate. As soon as i boarded the train, i deleted a number. She is not worthy of being my friend at all. People like her think that they will go to heaven just because they go to church every Sunday, all other people in this world is inferior. In fact, religion have made them people worse than they were before, they start to get brainwashed and do all sorts of funny things to brag about their religion, not considering other people’s feelings.

vivid memories

it's kinda weird today how so many feelings spanned across from me within a span of 30min. i was feeling confident during my stat175 prac class today, unlike the lectures where i totally drew blank whenever prof graham said smtg.. today brad spent some time to do some explanation for us. lydia didn't have a class today so it seems maybe i could have lunch with her.. afterall i changed my class to thur bcos she couldnt make it on wed. however, after class she left to meet her friend. at that moment, i suddenly felt that its so difficult to make a gd fren here.. all i was asking for a fren to have lunch with..yet i couldnt find one. when she said she was going the opposite way i felt so distant.
so off i went to have lunch on the greens beside the library, it was smtg i can nva get in spore..i guess sitting on the grass and looking into space you will get alot inspiration in life, it clears ur mind up.

at the first bite on my tuna sandwich, it reminded me of the tuna sandwich at home.. except its not so tasty and fresh. there wasnt the egg and mayo to make it more succulent and wet. this tuna sandwich dries my throat..i downed all 3 of it.. luckily i had orange juice. it took forever to finish all of those, suddenly i started thinking that the only time i will sit on the grass to eat is when i was in ns.. i started thinking back at the times i wore my green, sitting on the muddy grass with seng choong, biao, sgt gavin, and whichever dy we had..haha. i would bring out my can of sausage, sc with his choc bread, biao with his chaosanzi..and gavin would steal our food..wtf..haha. though we were dirty, had to use our hands and make do with a make shift sandwich.. we were still very much contented with what we had. on the contrary, i now have dry & neat grass to have a proper sandwich.. yet i am not any happier. somehow i jus felt like going back to dirty days where we lived, eat, sleep, work together.. u can probably use the term for better or for worst. over here at college, u eat, sleep, live together but everyone lead their own life and they select their own frens. i'm not new to being selective on frens so i can't really blame them, we all have the right to choose our friends. sometimes i wonder why i can't find a single fren at uni while other singaporeans always have so many friends in uni. i think maybe in macquarie there aint many singaporeans at the first place and most basic selection of frens would be with ur own nationality.

1st ICT 15-19 Jun

15th Jun



I woke up at around 5.. looking forward to my 1st ICT, reliving back those good old ns memories..going outfield with my 54E and chilling out in the bunk with no worries abt the complicated outside society.



Took a bath, changed into my No.4 wearing Sean's trousers as i can't fit into mine anymore. The shirt feels much tighter than before, for the first time i can feel my tummy protruding out of my no.4 shirt. i felt like a retired active soldier..haha. Went down for a heavy fan choy + siew mai breakfast in case we have late lunch. As i sat down on the garage chair, i pondered between my trusted leather boots and new gortex boots. i decided to season the new boots since i have the chance to do so, the leather boots have become harder over this period and the metal piece would prick my skin while doing battle drill for sure. I took my trustee jungle hat, folded into my ampulet and got the car ready.



I went to pick Macwyn, SC, ZY and headed to Jurong Camp II. We were supposed to report at 0730 but reached about 0645.. we thought we would have been the earliest..haha. As we got off the car, a reckless lorry driver sped into the parking lot. Out came ZC and my father to be buddy Wong Lei Biao. The RSM and RP was standing at the staircase leading to the in pro station waiting to inspect our hair. I had my sides and back cut for a bloody $5! It's a bloody rip off, saf personals don't feel the pinch of economic crisis cos they tend to overdo things for the sake of image (not as if the look good at the first place). Being the early birds we were registered fast and led to our bunks early. The armskote had a glitch, my name wasnt in the armskote nominal roll, good thing is i didnt have to draw arms..haha. Guess what.. bunk is on the 6th floor, so i had to carry the duffel bag all the way up.. by the time i reached the 5th storey my kness were weak, i reckon i would take part in the next vertical marathon.



In true saf style.. we waited and waited.. there were many ppl waiting for their haircut but there really isnt much time to cut everyone's hair as we needed to start the route march. i went for the route march without my weapon. Being the first day, i brought my responsible civilian lifetstyle with me, went to the armskote to ask for my arms many times but they couldnt produce one so in the end i gave up. We went for a 4km route march before going for handing over parade. They still had a bloody parade rehearsal, the entire thing dragged till 12 plus before we could break for lunch. After lunch the signallers had to go for bike fam with the SMI instrcutors. It was so cool, it has been a long time since i rode the bike and i just got the old feeling back again. Mac took over Eric's role. Eric was outpro after his ligament problem, it seems he wont be back into 755 with his problems so mac will permanently take over the section 1 bike. The bike thing dragged till around 5 so luckily for us we managed to skip the live run.. i didnt want addtional dirty clothes to my laundry..haha. I wasnt used to the no.4 and so much sweat so i developed rashes already.



16th Jun

Today is an extremely rush and busy day, we woke up at 5am i think to take our IPPT, i had to do everything, brush teeth, change and smoke within a short time. The worst thing is we can't eat a heavy breakfast cos we were taking our ippt at 630, who the fuck takes a test so early in the morning, only saf.. only the dumb fuck CO of 755sir would plan out a shit like this.. and why does SP coy always get the earliest time?! As usual i failed my ippt, i only did 3 pull ups it was super duper miserable, pull ups is smtg even with frens beside me i cannot perform one. Unlike active days, i didnt feel the need to prove my best in every station i did cos i knew i had to do rt anyway. It definitely is different having the motivation from ur platoon when running 2.4km,, my timing on my first ippt is 12min plus.. but today i managed to run a 11:21min.. it wasnt fantastic but u can see a substantial improvement from the last.

Right after ippt we had to bathe and change to do our technical handling test.. fuck loh suddenly sar21 seem so alien to me.. but i totally missed firing a rifle man. Live firing provides such aderaline even with just 10 rounds? Live firing makes me feel like a trained professional becoz u know how to take control of your weapon and you know how to handle it well and safely. I forgot how many we fired and how many i hit.. all i know was i at least had 75-80% in the bag which was good enough for me. The great thing is you didnt have to use ur own weapon and u didnt need to clean it... i feel so privileged. However, being the last deatail we missed the bus and asked to pick up the expended rounds..fuck! It was like 6pm and we were suppose to have our dinner back in camp by now loh. I was complaining all the way to guoli on what a bad customer service provider saf is and all that.. that was really funny. The fucked up thing was.. i used to ear plugs with no wire, it was big and soft so i couldnt really tell if it was in my ear.. i felt my ears ringing thru the silence after i fired one mag. I never had this feeling but i didnt bother since i still had somemore to shoot. Only after finishing the shoot did i realise that my right ear plug had dropped, and my ears were ringing like crazy!!!

We got the tonner around 7pm.. and had some out ration after that. To my surprise the saw gunners and rifle coy were not back yet.. in the end they came back at 8plus.. wondered how a day shoot became a night shoot.. again look at saf. They still had to come back and clean arms.. i didnt really go and clean it cos cleaning arms nva been my forte since ns days..hahaha.

17th Jun

Today all the rifle coy are out in the field digging fire trench while we stayed in camp to do some mock training before tomorrow's actual battle drills. We refreshed our mini N/seas and other equipment used, it feels like ispc all over again cos we need to study again! But things are different now, we only go back once a year and they will refresh our memory every year. All of so wanted to sleep during the boring lecture, honestly who the hell cares abt the magnification of the bino? we just carry two and see which is more useful lah.. these smi sgts know nuts about what it takes to be in a real exercise, to do recon for a real battalion. when it comes to the real shit, tacticality is rubbish. After lunch we did some refresher on TAG, op drill, contact drill, link up, etc. We totally screwed up our contact drill man.. wah lao max and bingyao jus cant stop arguing who is right and who is wrong..haha. Its a lose-lose situation for me, even if i go back to 755 i still kana max and by.. but if i join another unit i will lose all my frens..,dammit right. just my luck.

It was suppose to be happy hour today, because we were in camp so we were able to enjoy the buffet. The rifle coy didnt get to enjoy it cos they were back around 9plus all dirty and not taken their dinner yet. We were done after dinner jus waiting for them to come back, the mob brief was postponed from 8 plus to 930. That fucked up indian guy told us he was only gonna take 15min but in the end he took 1.5hrs.. i so wanted to kill him. I think this is the 4th mob breif i heard ever since ord.

18th Jun

We did our battle drills today, left in the morning to some place in lim chu kang. I finally was able to ride the bike man.. the only time i can ride is when i am in army.. and i absolutely love it. Travelling around Murai area.. i can see how much it has changed.. this whole place which i think used to be vegetation is transformed into an urban training grown, a simulation on olden time singapore shophouse. I can imagine urban battalions doing an entire 4 days exercise around this area, its big enough and have the ability to conduct medium scale exercise. We left in details so i think 54E left abt 1plus, close to 2pm after having our lunch. We had some sausage before leaving for the drills. Following us was 3SG Ronnie.. wah lao this guy damn inflexible one loh.. but i heard he is still better than the 2LT John. The weather was scroching hot, the route is only 1plus km but i already felt so unconditioned for this. After 75% of the course i felt damn shagged and hot.. the signal set was weighing on me.. the sun was killing me.. i had to give my load to max for 1 bound. Only out in the field all of us sweat like fuck, totally like tap water sia. I never thought that the lapse from ns would make me so weak like i am now.. maybe is it bcos i have always been in the office for the past 2 years? anyway i asked around and it seem like i was the only person who passed my load.. looks like i really have to absorb everything in future. The arty drill was terrible, i forgot how far we ran man.. but i jus semangat only. We left lim chu kang, the worst thing is we had to clean our rifles becoz of the blanks we fired. When he comes to this, i really hate my workload. When everyone is cleaning their rifle we had to clean our bikes, it was really filthy cos of the immense amt of dust around the urban area. I will be blinded if i didnt push my visor down. Macwyn's bike broke down halfway. His bike needed too much power thats why his oil finished up much faster than ours. I had to donate some of my oil to him, i checked my oil and i was probably left with 25%. This is the best part, as we were at PIE, my bike suddenly started wobbling, dammit my oil is running out.. i thought i was gonna be a victim of giving petrol to others at the expense of myself. Thank god for reserve tank, however reserve tank only had 2L so i wasnt sure it was enough to last me to camp, thankfully it did.

Today was the last night of ICT and probably the last night i will have with this group of people. Back in those days, we had so much time together we never realise a time like this will come. How time flies, we all knew each other in 2005 and now its 2009.. 4 years all of us have known each other.. thats a long time but it nva felt so long. LTA Joel showed some appreciation for our efforts for the week by buying sarpinos pizza for us.. since active times he just couldnt stop praising us and how lucky he is to have us blah blah.. u know those mushy stuff. But well that was exactly how i felt.. even an outsider could tell how bonded this platoon is.. the fall out rate is close to none. We wanted some drinks so we asked edwin to get it, but he came back with $40 worth of wuxiang and bee hoon, and weikai's martell!! This is the first time i drink in camp man, the feeling is so shiok.. enjoying each other's company and making noise. After i had my bath, i went to join biao, sc, wc to talk to cz abt his life.. frankly he has a really sad family but then again he is using all the wrong methods to rectify it.. i can't help but say too bad to him. I left abt 1am.. my eyes were too heavy.. it was 4 straight days of lack of sleep. Tomorrow we still needed to wake up early for IPPT Part II. Unfortunately i had no time to think abt the people i would miss.. just dozed off straight way.

19th Jun

Its the last day of ICT, we all woke up for IPPT Part II.. those who passed motivated those who haven and those who havent.. have to suffer one last time. I was contented with my jump today.. i managaed to hit 23+ for sbj which is my norm. However i flunked my chin up again.. the point of consolation was i improved by 1 but thats abt it.

Since i had a long week and i already failed, i decided to go easy on the 2.4km. Too many times since ns days i have been preserving my reputation on being an above average runner.. its time to enjoy whats in front of me rather than defying the odds all the time. Although i failed time n again, i still improved be it shuttle run, sbj, 2.4, this is all bcoz of the people around me. Imagine being part of another platoon, will someone run 2.4 with u just to make u pass?

After IPPT, we cleared our bunks and went for AAR.. CO was pleased that he saw scouts helping each other with the 2.4, i was proud when i heard that cos i know no other platoons have that kind of drive and comadarie like us.. this is where i wanna be. Throughout this whole week the CO and RSM were trying to instill some form of identity in us.. they ordered us to remove our 1SIR and 2SIB badges from our LPV and put on the 755 one. Suddenly we all felt provoked, its like asking us to forget our parents, you try to take it away after 2 days after we spend 2 years as a leopard? Its a situation where u can take my body but not my soul..haha. I'm sure everyone will feel the same that even we're now 755, we are still a leopard by blood through and through, thats where we came from, nothing is gonna change that. CO tried to make us do the leopard cheer but its different. He was trying to command us like jimmy toh did but he can nva replicate it. Why? Becoz we all know what he wants to do.. he tried to force our identities away, when he couldnt he tried to go with what we wanted but it was too late.

At around 4plus we booked out after a long admin delay, as i drove home many time i almost dozed off.. especially when everyone else were sleeping too. It has been a tired week physically and mentally. Everything else went well except the part where my hp got stolen. I asked biao if he took it but he said no. I was pretty sure it was an inside job but i didnt want to check bags cos i didnt want to doubt ppl of my own platoon.. search his own conscience.. stealing a phone from a platoon mate.

So hopefully, i still get to repeat somemore ICT with 755..hooha!

hoping to relive the past

it's another gloomy sunday, i have been constantly trying to find something to do for the past 2 weeks. it's really boring without hockey. i could have gone yesterday if not for the wound on my eye, so i just stayed at east coast.

woke up at 10am today.. only had like 6 hours of sleep after watching who am i.. 6 hours of sleep may be sufficient on normal working days but it's the weekend man.. more sleep is expected! i crawled up to go tampines for my hair cut.. came backed, had my shower and rushed to xavier's baby shower. well xavier isn't someone close to me or anything.. well the connection is a little long. in friendster context it should be father-cousin-son-son. the lunch was held at masonic club.. quite privileged to be given a chance to enter the club since it's exclusively by invitational only, even more exclusive than scc. auntie eunice came to greet me.. fuck i was looking for her hot daughter but i think she isn't back from australia. wasted my efforts dressing up for the occasion. nva expected to be able to last 1hr there but i did. i was introduced to 2 other distant cousins.. laine and ben. ben talks alot.. he's working for prudential as an insuarance agent.. ah why didn't i see that coming huh. auntie eunice is one cool auntie man.. she has facebook! how bout that.

i left the place about 230 to bugis. i bought a heinken singlet from bugis st but it was too small so i went to change to L..then went to buy the miniature ferragamo perfume for ht. as i was walking and pacing around bugis.. i just had this feelings.. how nice if i was still with her.. hand in hand shopping for the festive season is one of life's blessings. too bad.. this time round she's going hand in hand with someone else, just hurts to think of it. as i was walking around, i saw recruits with their gf searching for presents.. made me think of the days where we will shop at bugis.. helping me choose a freshbox tee.. and not to forget the couple tee which we bought but never wore. unable to shun those unhappy thoughts away, i left my kaki without even eating. i felt empty. i went for dinner at the airport myself. the airport brought back so much memories.. the good times we had.. the good and bad times i had in ns.

i had the worse tasting ban mian ever.. the soup totally lack flavour. the flashback memories of us dining ipoh hor fun and indian rojak made everything taste so much better. i used to decide on so many things, i ate the food i wanted. i asked, she never complained, i never knew what she really felt. i always thought that whatever i do was healthy for the relationship, i always thought that i made her felt cared for.. but one thing i never realised was how her feelings turned ice cold. i can write an entire storybook about our experiences yet i will never find a convincing answer to why she decided to leave me. i dare say that it isn't because i have no gals.. but somehow i didn't try, somehow my heart cannot accept someone new because no one else fits the bill so perfectly.

i walked to the departure hall. we used to walk to times newslink to browse, cos it's on the way to the interchange and as a way to digest our food. walked a little furthur and there was sakae sushi upstairs.. sakae was our favourite restuarant.. anytime we didn't want something too oily we would head there and we liked this branch for it's service and the workmanship of their sushi. right at the end i saw burger king, the place i had my last supper before heading to brunei, it was the most heart wrenching experience i ever had.. to leave my gf facing this crisis alone.. no matter how much i tell her i love her.. it just cannot replace the heartbreak. as i was walking along the arrival hall.. i thought of the 2 homecomings from my overseas ns stints. we landed at terminal 2 when we returned from taiwan.. i remember weicai and i thought the duffel bags will take forever to come out just like brunei so we took our own sweet time to shop at dfs only realising when we came out we were the only ones left! that scene left a sweet smile on my face, army days are the best time of my life.. the bonds forged is something that cannot be replaced even with your best friend. it's the feeling you know you can trust your life to him and that he will carry you out of danger when you're down.

as i was driving back home.. i thought of how this year's xmas will be without her. for 4 years we spent it together, i guess it's just wishful thinking to hope for more. i don't think she will be even thinking of me this eve, what are cranberries for when the right person is not by your side?

Happy 23rd Birthday to ME

Happy birthday to me! i'm one yr older and officially 23 yrs old now. i left my bloody glasses with faye last night so i needed to wear contact lens to work.. at least look more handsome and tanned lah..haha.. everyone must be thinking why i wear contact lens loh.

just went to work as normal, trying to catch up with the emails on monday and the forecast, thankfully i think my pekarang should be full because of the 3 day delay. i felt like a centre of attraction.. people wishing me happy birthday and all.. the best part was when i went down to smoke.. when i came up i saw linda on my place with pris and shu ee lighting up the candles.. hahah i wanted to make myself scarce since they wanted to surprise me but in the end i just saw them lighting the candles loh. i thought it was a few of them but it ended quite a lot of ppl came over to sing me a birthday song. in previous years it was more like i planned my own birthday but this time it felt memorable, it's like people remember me..not many people remember me. the whole red sea team came over, so did people from australia. i felt happy. at least this yr was better than last year where i spent my birthday recovering from my broken heart.. belle did leave me an advanced birthday msg which i felt wasn't really sincere. but she did talk to me on msn wishing me. i dono why.. we just started talking serious, about stress and all.. then she became uphappy. seriously, it's a good thing we broke up cos i think it will come a point i won't be able to stand her.. she just changed so much.. she took me for granted. probably others won't see her the way i do.. but i can tell cos i seen her change. it's really sad to see the person u once loved change right before ur eyes.

today william is on leave so it was quite slack.. linda also quite slack when he's not around.. sometimes just reading newspapers.. haha. went for lunch with linda, kenny, bj, yk, phyllis at beppu ramen.. this is the first time i had lunch with her loh.. it's quite weird actually..haha. i didn't even want phyllis to turn up but suck thumb loh.. argh jus can't stand her face.. she's so xiao jie kind when she looks so independent.

i left on the dot.. my eyes so tired from looking at the screen with contacts the whole day. went for training.. today's training is good.. we didn't play full pitch but i dominated the play which is what i like, sometimes i do have that kind of form.

i didn't want to be alone on my birthday so i met kimy after training, honestly i felt really touched kimy would wait for me. i was feeling dead tired myself. so i met her at beancurd city at nee soon.. we just chatted and chatted.. most of the time about her complicated love life.. why doesn't anyone ask me about mine? i waited one whole day.. hoping the person who i wish to receive a msg from would msg me but she didn't. did she forget about me? i just felt really upset.. because just last week i asked her out to spend it with me but now she forgot. i'm not so childish to get upset over not being wished. it's really disappointing to have done something for her, talk to her everyday, let her be the one to spend ur bday with yet she doesn't remember you at all. that's my problem. the last msg i received from weicai i sooo wished it was her but it wasn't.. let's just say i gave up hope.

again i sent kimy home.. i was trying so hard to find a bloody petrol kiosk but in the end closed..wth.. came home slept at 2am. did i enjoy my birthday? let's just say.. it can be so much better :)