a changed man

sometimes i just hate life and how it makes us move on. looking at the xmas cards i received from the rmc-ers last year, i can't believe it's only been a year. throughout this 1 year, circumstances have changed so much. i have turned from a struggling officer worker cum student to a undergrad with a strong passion for statistics. it's been a whirlwind year, i see the friends that i have made in uni leave one by one. i guess i'm pushing too hard to continue blending in with the remaining few and their friends. that's what moving forward do to people sometimes. people like me stuck at where i am while my other friends just stop remembering me, sydney is slowly making me depressed. no doubt i have a gf with me but it's still very different hanging out with friends. sometimes i wish i could have graduated earlier and leave our relationship on a good note rather than continuingly drift away from them. God has healed my despair a few times but it seems more and more likely this friendship we started will end up with nothing. as we go back to our respective lives, we will look back and see that these are semester based friendships. it's like leading a double life, you can never replace people that u know back home, someone who understands your jokes and someone who talks like you.

gold coast has been such a torture for me. i don't mean that i went hanging out with nasty people. it's just that there's so much uncommon things we have.. it is through this that i have experienced cultural indifference. i was never gonna blend in. it is through this trip that i realised how much i drifted away from my dear friends heri and melissa. i thought i could spend more time with them before they graduate but i was more like a 'rider' in the trip. shouldn't have went.

this trip has made me miss jose, aina, iris, jae, jimmy, ady etc much more. i long so much that i can have that feeling of excitement and closeness with others other than joyce but now i know it'll never come back. first, i tried it during conception day. i told others how fun it's gonna be and blah blah, sat on the grass and i felt darn empty. it's not conception, not the drinks, not the hot girls, not the band that keeps u happy. it's a group of friends u love so much. i thought gold coast would be so much fun and memorable like we had in melbourne but it turned out to be a nightmare. i so much wanna apologise to them that i shouldn't have joined, they would have enjoyed themselves much more. i felt really sorry that i lost my temper at times, i just couldn't help it, there's just so much frustration in my heart.

i guess i finally understand how aina feels. like her, we're all alone without any other representatives from our country. at home, i'm always the one bullying, always having the upper hand. i never expected myself to be alone and be ignored the way i am now. its frustrating that this happen to you when you know it shouldn't. i believe many lone students studying abroad must have feel the same way many times but they just don't say. many singaporeans come back from australia more sociable, more of a party animal. for me, i turned out to be much aloof, upset by the fact that what people described about this country isn't what i am experiencing. what makes you think they really wanna know how you are when they say how are u? what makes you think they aren't saying you bloody asian get out of my country when they are smiling at u? do u think he really wants to talk to you or just wants to cut your queue? there's just so much issues with humility in that country which i really wanna get out of. i really regret that i didn't cherish those friends who left me as much as i suppose to. i could have spent more time with them when i can but i chose a good family guy. there's only myself to blame for all these.. it's not that i haven't anticipated it. i know that by having joyce with me, i could possibly lose my friends. i guess i didn't feel the pinch until this smacked me right in the face.

now that 1 year is gone, i really wonder on a scale of ten how much this group 9 friendship means to everyone right now. i guess i'm the only sucker thinking of this. why? because i'm still stuck in sydney.. the rest are either moving on with their lives at home or having their new friends in sydney. with 1 more semester left, i really believe i'll end up with no friends for graduation. i so wish i can do everything in spore so that my mates in sin can celebrate with me. the thought of having no one else attending my graduation except my family is just unacceptable. with another 1.5 years left to my wedding, would a single one even bother to make a trip down?

i'm just so thankful to have such a stable group of ns friends to still able to celebrate xmas eve with me. no doubt they are all single but i believe they will still the way they are. this whole wedding planning thing has led me to think so much about the past. while running through the guest list i will think of each and everyone how they impacted my life. it's just funny how if i didn't initiate a breakup, belle could very well be the one. reeling back to my hk visit, i truly believe what the fortune teller meant that i would have alot of problems if i marry early. it really makes you wonder how vulnerable a human being can be. we can never be able to see how an advice can affect us until a few years later when we get hit by different things. we're all part of God's plan, until we accept that we will continue to fight and struggle for the best each and everyday.

on the way home last night, i stopped by emily's house. don't why i will do that since it's virtually impossible between us. when you come to wedding you cannot miss out your growing up days. i dare to say that there isn't anything memorable about my teen years except emily. i was a wannabe trying to blend in with the indians. i ended up with no contact with a single one of them. the times i spent with emily will remain as the sweetest memory of my life and i hope it is that way for her too. back then, we never thought how hard society is gonna be, just love from each other. without her, i believe i wouldn't have gained so much confidence in myself. looking back i cannot understand how i was able to put up with her demands. if it happen now, we will be arguing everyday. it just boils down to me being such a softie last time. i used to blame God for losing her. like i said, we never know how much God loves us until we experience something better. i thank God that i don't have to end up marrying either emily or belle. with emily, i think i will end up hen pecked with no pride left in me. with belle, i guess i'll be struggling putting up with her princessy whining. let me tell u, deep down we hate each other but we just don't admit it. i don't understand why she needed to backstab me in front of her friends. i would have killed myself to find out before but now i just don't bother, i wish that she enjoys her life with that fella. we'll never agree that either party is mature enough to get married. i can guess what she'll start talking abt if she finds out but hey you moved on first and i'm so glad she did. how dumb i was to feel down for someone like her. man i was devastated, i thought i'll never ever find love. honestly, i feel that compatibility is most important in marriage and not love. love fuels jealousy, possessiveness and fantasy. it makes you feel disillusioned about how you should live your life. it makes you feel insecure each second you don't see her. this is why i never believe in love anymore.

a sad christmas message i know.. i wanna believe and experience all the good things that God has planned out for me :)