so much things have been happen in this past mth.. abt to end my ns liability.. ended by relationship that i took such pain and effort to build up. it's painful.. yes it is.. it even came a point where i i thought to myself did i make the right decision to take part in ndp.. to burn my saturdays for 4mths compared to going to thailand for 2wks.. look at how the kocha singa peeps r enjoying even our off that we worked hard for.. i guess life is jus tat unfair. all these jus for an "experience" once in a life to take part in ndp. well to me it isnt jus abt "experience", i tink its more abt national pride.. my role in this society and in this country, to show that the purpose of me serving this 2 years is not a waste of time.. not in vain.. but for a common goal to keep our children, parents, grandparents safe and sound. just look at all those pictures capturing little kids in awe when we march in and the fighter planes flying pass.. he speaks more than it seems. these moments captured 2 things- love and happiness.. and yes there is in every place if we just have thought abt it, and i'm proud to say i've done my part as a soldier, giving my best in training to think at the end of the day.. all the sweat we've put in has not come into waste. big words huh? i mean those who think ns is unnecessary.. well think again. however, the sad part of it all is our own ppl belittle us.. saying our training is not tough enough.. yada yada.. sounds as if we're redundant. we don't even have the basic respect to appear in public.. as our commanders always say.. DISAPPEAR. even as foreign troops training in roc..they gave us a whole lot more respect that we deserved that even our locals can't match a penny to them.
this whole wooha recently has set me thinking a whole lot. mum jus spoke to me.. abt min sin n bro.. abt life. i'm not really bothered with their relationship. it's more of people.. or rather women i don't understand. it's so funny how someone can change so much over the course of a few mths that even the person closest to you don't know how to communicate with u anymore. pampered? can't take care of u? prove that u can live without me? i think its jus whore shit. although i've listened to these umpteen times.. sorry i jus can't comprehend how u can ever get such thoughts running through ur head. and let me tell u what's the saddest part of all.. being away for 5 weeks and she tells u she's not used to u.. but the actual reason is that she feels she does not need you anymore, and we've been together for more than 2 years.. so close.. so in love.. all these just an illusion. i thought i laid a pretty strong foundation.. to the extend i thought she'll still love me when i go to australia for 2.5 yrs. bullshit.. this relationship was not even worth 5 damn weeks. all these happened despite me missing her so badly.. dying to see her when i'm back.. only to see a changed person. mature? i don't think so.. jus cos u're out in the society and seen more people first? u handled this the worst way i ever had with a girl.. at first a few stupid excuses.. followed by even more bullshit. jus bcos u've seen some things u've nva seen before doesn't mean they are good things.. jus bcos u've spoke to people who has more experiences than you doesn't mean they are perfect.. or in any way more superior and capable of taking care of you in any way.. and here's a big full stop to this sentence. i've been hurt.. and very tired abt brooding through how these problems came so suddenly.. though i've tried my best i still cannot find a solution nor an answer to all these. just treat it as a lesson learnt.. a darn long lesson that thank God didn't drag further.
this conversation with my mum has thought me.. why did i even stress out abt giving you a stable future with me.. to think abt savings, living in a condo, having children.. when you urself cannot even keep a simple 2 person relationship. i always say army is a waste of time.. but i think planning for all these is even more unneccessary.. a greater waste of time. now that i'm saying all these, i can't even figure out what i'm feeling.. is it hate.. anger.. despair.. no i don't hate u.. i just feel dumb enough to commit. feel dumb to trust that you won't have a change of heart.. cos of our special bond, the times we've shared and been through. women can keep saying how much they want a rich husband to provide for them, to live a life of luxury, and they will do it. but how many women that say they will stand by their husbands though suffering and times of poverty.. will actually live up to their words?
you can't say that i'm pampered just because my parents show me more care than normal children.. i mean think abt it.. your child to you will forever be a child in a parent's eye. don't tell me when you're 20 your parents will stop caring about you? it just that different parents show their concern in different ways.. some choosing to let their child be more independent.. and some by showing support. i'm dissapointed to hear that come out from your mouth, it just go to show you do not know me well enough.
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