Christmas Eve 2007

it hasn't really been a meaningful xmas party this year.. things just weren't the same anymore.
during the days building up to xmas.. i was just so hyped up abt the party.. planning the stuff, buying the cd, ordering the log cake, doing the shopping. but it ain't gonna be what it used to be, people change.. this year will be the 4th xmas i spend with belle.. and also the first as a friend, i suppose this should be the last as well because i feel we're just pushing it. today is the day i find out that we just don't have any room for each other anymore.. all that is left to hold on to are memories.

i woke up slightly earlier today, i didn't sleep well because i was thinking of the party today. since it was half day, i decided to wear my contact lens. everyone was upbeat.. there wasn't much emails throughout the day, the only thing was the 2 booking forecasts i need to do. Kota Permai just left Port Said and Wan Hai 315 just left Singapore yesterday. The problem was needing to tally the combined figures cos individual TDR figures doesn't tally with the Sin combined ones. there was a discrepancy of like 10 teus or so, and it's for different equipment type. it just didn't make sense, if the individual tdr is correct, the combined figures should be the same as well. but whatever it is, nobody felt like working. there were santas giving away chocolates, my favourite was jayce's royce chocolates, though it ain't godiva, it's quite a lot to spend on normal colleagues.. it's real good stuff. the amount of things they bring to on xmas eve is amazing.. haha lucky i only needed to keep jamie's mini present inside my sling bag. i went to acl to pass jamie her present, and i got a "office scandal" card game from her. it's really interesting but she bought that for me cos the first time she saw it she thought of me!! that means to say i am a scandalous person?! the surprise of it all was receiving sherlyn's present, i didn't expect her to really get something for me, that's why i didn't get her anything, gosh. she got me chocolates and as expected.. Lindts! hah! i promised her i'll get something for her on boxing day, and really, it ain't too late. i went to bugis to buy her present since krystle was going to get presents as well. i thought i will be getting it tomorrow but thankfully i was able to do it immediately. i didn't have much time i needed to select something meaningful, so i just went round and round bugis searching for one.. the area to be covered ain't that big also loh! there were so many last minute shoppers today, especially from action city where the things were cheap and interesting. nicole and krystle were speed shoppers.. they got a whole lot of stuff from action city for their party tonight. krystle accompanied me to choose sherlyn's present.. i was combing and combing.. finally i bought a night light.. or isit night lamp? hahah i don't know but it's really nice, it's an angel and can burn essential oil one. the only problem is.. i don't know if she'll like the smell! i'm gonna give it to her tomorrow, hope she likes it though.

actually my plan was to buy yong tau foo straight after work. but somehow the plan got delayed with our dim sum lunch and shopping. i ended up leaving bugis at around 1730, i was seriously late for the dinner. i wonder if there will still be food around. to my surprise, i was walking around bugis cold storage, there was a whole lot of smoked chicken and no one was queuing for it, i remember i needed to queue like mad to get mine at parkway. so i went to bedok ntuc.. everything just seemed so normal.. there was no rush for food whatsoever. the yong tau foo that i thought will run out still has so much stock awaiting to be purchased.

when i reached home, i saw victor sitting at the playground waiting for me, i felt so guilty making him wait. but i didn't have a choice lah.. i did the best i could. soon after i reached home, karen/andrew/belle/inez all came by. the steamboat was ok.. we just talked and stuff. but it was after that, they started playing their mahjong as if it was chinese new year.. there just isn't any christmas spirit i wanted. probably i'm a weirdo, only belle shares my ideal of a special xmas. dim lightings, candles, christmas song, logcake, fondue. as i said, it's just different now. for the past 3 christmas when the clock struck 12, it was a hug followed by "merry xmas dearie". but now it's just a simple shake of hand, and a "merry xmas". this whole celebration the only person entertaining me was inez.. belle was too tired from her malacca trip. why does she need to force everything to herself? i think those crank heads friends of hers are fucking stupid, who the fuck goes to malaysia on the weekend before xmas and come back on the 23rd.. the go to work on the 24th. the best part, she comes to the celebration sick and tired. honestly, i was just put off by that and those incorrigible people gambling the whole night long. i mean you can talk, or can play games evryone can join in.. why mahjong?

i thought at least the midnight exchange or fondue will be good. but no, they didn't eat much, i had to call my bro's friends down. it was seriously a mistake to call them over, i guess i have to find new khakis next yr.. most likely my apro gang.

yesterday, i needed to bring the candles out from my little relationship momento. this is the first time i opened it in 6 months. i felt really sour, looking back at the gifts i bought for her, all the memories we in there. i wonder if she felt the same, i can never tell.. i don't know her like i used to. i guess this time i close it.. i will never open it ever for long long time. today, our cranberry candle just nice finished and i used the white musk. all good things come to an end. looking back the 2 women i really loved, emily and belle, both incredibly charming in their own way, i gave everything i had to put it right, in the end the result always doesn't turn out the way i wanted. today is the first time she ever stepped into my house for 6 mths.. first time she lied on my bed.. i was lying beside her.. but i couldn't pull her to me anymore. 2 things that stopped me: impossibility and change. do i deserve this? the answer is no.. she couldn't wait. as i spent the night alone in my parent's room, i came to a conclusion that we can never be together again. although we hugged in the morning, it was just for old time's sake. i swore upon myself, that i will treat my next girlfriend even better than her.. and i'm gonna make sure, she feels blessed to be around me, not only to make her feel lucky but to also show HER what a big mistake she made.